Today's thought...Finding myself, isn't as easy as one would think.

I find it's very easy to get depressed and down in the dumps while trying to find yourself again and get back to you. I've found that as you explore the confines of self, you start to remember times when you were this fun loving person. And then once you realize that he/she is within yourself, it's depressing to realize just how far from start, you've actually come.

I was talking to a friend that has known me for almost 20 years and we started reminiscing when I was in high school and how I used to have no fear. How I used to love to pick and play and never worried about how it came across because I knew that I was just playing around, and people gravitated toward me. Now, if you take the average person, put me in a room with them and leave us alone for an hour, after that hour, they probably wont be able to tell you much about me. I don't talk about myself. I rarely pick and play any more, and I've actually become comfortable with being invisible. In fact I'm to the point of that now, that I intentionally try to disappear when I'm somewhere, so that I don't get noticed or picked out of a crowd.

People that I worked with, who knew me for the whole 7 years I worked there, couldn't tell you my name, but they could tell you that my hair is red and I have a section that I keep braided and beaded at all times. And that I used to smoke (what one of my co-workers called them) Barbie Tampons (Capri's). A few of them could tell you what I drove, but only a very select few could tell you anything about me. And even fewer still could tell you what my husband's name is, what my favorite food was, and what my fish's name was. Or what I love doing in my spare time.

It's hard. And things on the home front aren't making things any easier in how I'm feeling. Got one family member always angry, and another having a hard time medically and it is REALLY weighing on me as of late. And for some reason lately I've taken all of my friends problems to heart. And let me tell you, that's a lot of weight. I'm not sure why I've taken it upon myself, but I really have.

I saw something on Facebook the other day, and I'm telling you now, I don't know who or where it came from, but I know that I shared it because it was a very apt depiction of how I'm feeling. It said: "What does depression feel like?" he whispered. "It's like drowning. Except you can see everyone around you breathing." That, is honestly how it feels. And let me tell you, I have almost physically drowned in real life. And it sucks! The biggest difference is, when you drown in real life, it doesn't hurt. The panic sucks, but it doesn't physically hurt, to drown. With depression, you can feel it all. You feel the drowning, the inability to breathe, the jealousy of seeing everyone else breathing around you, and the panic of knowing you can't.

So now, I need to get myself out of this. Thankfully my daughter is helping with that, and my exercising is helping too. Seeing my mom would do wonders and I'm hoping like hell that will happen soon. My mom has this way to make me feel like everything is okay, just with a hug and a good cry. I talk to my mom every day, and don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change it for anything in the world, but it's not like being able to just run to her and get a hug, or a good kick in the ass when I need it. Ugh. I'm open to suggestions.