Today's thought...Cancer.

Yeah, the C word rears it's ugly head again. Recently my mother in law was diagnosed with brain cancer. I type of Lymphoma that affects the entire Central Nervous System. It hasn't been easy. Since the initial diagnosis, it's been a roller coaster. It's ranged from "She may not survive the tumor biopsy." to "It's completely treatable, and possibly even curable."

It's been about four weeks since everything started and honestly, I'm exhausted. Daily, I take care of her, and my 5 year old, and hold down the fort, then come home and do it all again. All in the same day. It's hard. It's not easy. But when my husband was talking about possibly discussing an in home nurse, instantly, I didn't like the idea. I know how she is. I know how to talk to her. I know how to take care of her, and I wouldn't trade these moments for anything in the world.

It's hard. I've said that already, but it is. Helping her shower, helping her eat, helping her with her drops, when she has to go to the bathroom, when she wants to walk, when she's having issues, when she asks me the same question a thousand times over because of the tumor. And we haven't even reached the point as to whether or not she is approved for treatment or if she has to go with chemo/radiation.

But I wouldn't trade it for the world. The moments when I get to make her laugh, or she gives me a thumbs up, or says thanks for something I've done. The look in her face when I gave her chapstick, that looked as though I gave her a bar of pure gold. The smile when I rub lotion on her legs and feet, that feel dry because of everything going on. The I love you, when I walk out the door, declaring that I'll be back tomorrow, or the moments when she proudly boasts, I'm her daughter. Not daughter-in-law; daughter.

There is no telling what our future will hold, but I know that I'm going to be here, no matter what.

Today's thought...a different kind of post.

Dear Soulmate,

I don't know why you continue to put up with me. I'm not sure why you continuously listen to my constant drolling on about my problems, and never complain about what I say. You always know what to say. You always know when I need you, and never fail to call me or text me, asking me what's wrong.

No matter what's going on in your life, and no matter what you called for, the instant you hear my voice, you know. And everything in your world is put on the back-burner. I will never be able to repay you for this. You will never know what it means to me.

Thank you. Though it seems like such a cop out. Thank you. You will never know what these moments of love and support, will mean to me. You will never understand what it means to me, to know that in the wee hours of the morning, or the late hours of the night, you were always there.

You always put up with the "I'll call you back." or the "Not right now, it's cool." and even the "I'll talk to you later." and a soft click/beep, indicating that I was no longer on the line, for whatever reason. And you never questioned it. You KNOW, that you will be the first call when things happened. You know that no matter what was going on, I will call you. You know that when I tell you "I don't wanna talk about it." that I am going to blurt everything out, thirty seconds later.

You are the one I talk to about everything. You are the one I call when I'm down. You are the one who I call to from my heart, because I know you can hear me, when no one else does. YOU are the one who isn't afraid to tell me what it's like, and wont lie to me when I'm being petty, but still reassure me that it's alright that I am.

I could not live my life without you. The most important people in my life know about you, and hear about you constantly. My mom and husband included. They know you are the one I call when I'm down, when I'm having problems, when I'm at my worst, and when I'm at my best. They ask about you on a constant basis, because they know I talk to you daily. They know you, even if they don't know you.

You are so special to me. I will never be able to express or explain the way I feel for you. To those who don't know, it's strange. To those who understand, they nod. To those who look at this as if to say "Eh, whatever." they are scared to admit their own feelings.

I can only say I love you. I feel this such an insignificant explanation for how I feel, though I'm sure you'll tell me I'm nuts and you feel the same way. You will never know what you mean to me and how important you are to me in my life. I'm sure you'll tell me I'm crazy and that I'm just as important to you, but you're wrong.

You'll never know what you mean to me. And that in and of itself, makes you more special to me than I will ever be able to express, or you will ever know. I love you. Point plain and simple. I could not live my life without you and I don't go a single day without thinking of you, regardless of whether or not we actually talk. You are in every ounce of my decisions whether you know it or not. I consult you in every aspect of my life and I will NEVER do anything without talking to you.

You always know how to talk me down when I'm too far up, and aren't afraid to tell me when I'm a dumbass. There's no way to explain or express, what you will or do, mean to me. You'll never know how much faith I put in you. Or how much of my life or decisions, I put in what you say. And that's okay.

Because to me, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what you do or don't know of how I feel. It doesn't matter what you do or don't know of how I think. It matters that I know, in the end of all of it and no matter what happens, you are there. You love me. No matter how idiot you think I am, or how stupid you think I'm being, or how wrong you think I'm acting, you love me.

You love me. And I will never be able to explain how much I love you back.

You came into my life when I needed you most, and didn't even know it. You are in every aspect and facet of my being, even if you don't know it.

Today's thought...a little bit of controversy.

You know I like to stir the pot from time to time. Well girl's bringing out the big spoon, so lets get to stirring. There's been a LOT of talk about a girl, posing with a fresh kill, which happens to be a giraffe. Now there's been an OUTPOUR of people blasting this girl but no one seems to grasp all of the facts of the picture.

Like the fact that it was a very old bull, that wasn't in the greatest of health, or that every bit of meat, went to feed three entire tribes near where the kill happened as well as pelts used for blankets...etc. My friend Deuces and I were talking about it the other day. She's an avid hunter and is very big on conservation, because as a hunter, if you don't conserve the land around you, there's not going to be anything left to hunt. She made a great point the other night. This took place in Africa. In a desert. Now consider for me, if you're a tribe leader, or even a tribe member out there in Africa, and you're trying to feed your family, what do you do? You go out and hunt.

And you hunt whatever you possibly can, to get enough meat to feed your family. They don't have McDonald's in the desert. There is no Food Lion or Kroger out there in the middle of nowhere (And yes, I did use Food Lion on purpose). So I tell you what; all of you nay sayers out there that think that this girl is absolutely despicable for killing a giraffe, (which by the way, they're not endangered, they're not going extinct and it's still perfectly legal to hunt them), go ask the members of the three tribes that thing fed and clothed, how they feel about her shooting that animal. Ask them how they feel about her taking a picture next to it.

And as always, before you believe everything you read on the internet (Bonjour), research it. Don't just assume everyone out there is telling the whole truth, or as Paul Harvey used to say, the rest of the story. The internet is at your disposal. Meaning find out the whole part of everything before you jump off the boat with everyone else (and break your toe on the rocks).

Lemme add a short note to this (Which it's ridiculous that I feel the need to even put this on here), do not mistake this for me condoning the act of poaching, or killing an animal and not using any of it. If you hunt and kill a deer out here and just leave it for dead, that's not right, and I shouldn't have to explain that. However, that being said, if you're actually hunting, you're not going to let any part of that animal go to waste. You kill an animal it's illegal to hunt, you're a poacher. You kill an animal for one part of the body and leave the rest there to deteriorate, you're a poacher. You kill just for the fun of killing, you're a poacher. You hunt, legitimately, legally and use every part of that creature for food, warmth, etc...you're a hunter. THERE'S the difference.

Todays thought...Men and women of God.

I've had a lot going on in my life as of late. And it hasn't all been good at all. People telling lies, for what reason I can only surmise is to hurt me, as there is no other explanation I can come up with. Doing it to hurt my family and for what, I don't know. I just can't understand it. And it's put me in a rough place. I don't want to meet anyone new, I don't want to talk to but a very few select people, it's changed me. As much as I hate it, as much as I despise it, as much as I detest that part of myself, it's changed me; I just don't know if it's a permanent change, or if like I've been told in the past, I will get back to the open part of myself.

So in my moments of silence, I tend to reach out to men and women of faith. Why? Because my faith embodies most everything of what I am. And when I struggle with it, I reach out to those who I know would have an answer. In one particular conversation I'm having with one of these people of faith, I was reminded when they told me, they're not perfect either. That they're human too, and they err, and they are broken, just like I am. I can't even begin to explain what that one statement meant to me. I have a big problem with putting people up on a pedestal. Especially someone I consider to be a man or woman of faith. And I guess, with some people that are in higher planes of religion (i.e. preachers, pastors, reverends, etc...), as a leader of a church, you tend to put them up a bit higher, whether you realize you do it or not.

And I can't even imagine the immense amounts of just...PRESSURE...that these people must feel. I KNOW I'm not the only one that see's them as...perfect beings?...even though knowing that the only perfect one was Jesus. And honestly, most of them, KNOW that others see them as perfect beings, and relish the thought. Then there are some, that will tell you flat out; Don't put me on a pedestal. I'm just as broken as the next person, and if you put me up there, all you're going to get is disappointment.

It's actually, incredibly refreshing to talk to someone who doesn't put themselves on a level above anyone in this world, least of all...me. I'm not perfect by any stretch. I struggle every day with issues that I shouldn't even be dealing with, because they're mostly brought on by myself. But the fact that there are men and women of faith, that know they're not perfect, don't claim to be and will tell you flat out that they're not, bluntly, tells me that there is hope for someone like me. A person of faith, that KNOWS she's not perfect...

Today's thoughts...making changes.

A lot of things have come across my path in the last few weeks. My past, my present and my future. I've been very blessed to have some friends that have helped me along the way, and I've been extremely blessed to have my family by my side. But there's a few moments where I haven't been sure how I felt about things in my life.

And I've noticed, it's funny how a song you heard before that you didn't think about until the moment you needed, was there. What is this song? It's called The Monster, by Eminem ft. Rhianna. And I couldn't figure out what it was about the song that I wanted to keep hearing, until I broke it down and looked at the lyrics of the song.

The lyrics that struck me so much, go as follows...

"'Cause I need an interventionist
To intervene between me and this monster
And save me from myself and all this conflict
'Cause the very thing that I love's killing me and I can't conquer it..."

And as hard as it is for me to tell people how I feel about things, that's kinda it. I mean, I love the whole song, and it's a great song that makes me think about things, and makes me have an aha moment when I'm listening to it. You should check out the song and watch the vid on youtube. I mean...it's Eminem. It's a little strange, but that being said, it's a really good song, one that you should check out.

It's been a really messed up last couple of weeks for me. I've learned who my real family and friends are, and learned how much of a blessing and amazing man my husband is. I really do have an amazing support group that ranges from my neighbors to my family and friends, and am extremely blessed and lucky to have what and who I have in my life.

Today's thought...questions in waiting.

So a friend of mine is talking to me today and she tells me that when she was a kid, she asked a question to a star on one of them forums and they picked her question to read and answer. Her question to the actor was, "If you were abducted by aliens, and they stole all of your memories, what one memory would you want to keep, and why?" So I thought about it. This is a tremendously thought provoking question. Here was my answer.

There are two. Yes, I know this is cheating, but I don't care. It's what you're getting. LoL! Memory one (And these are in no particular order of one over the other), Christmas of '98. Christmas Eve, almost midnight, loose horses, ice skating down the road, getting stuck because of ice and trapped there for four days, a gold chain and cross for Christmas, yup. One of my favorite memories.

Second one, September of '09. Friday afternoon, been in the hospital for almost a week, husband hasn't left my side outside of going to work because, lets face it, he needs his job...sleeping in one of the most uncomfortable hospital side beds imaginable, we are officially parents of this just over two pound tiny person. She's born ten weeks early, emergency surgery, and there's this moment, when my husband looks at me and there's this expression of absolute undying love in his eyes.

Those are my two favorite memories of all time. Those are the ones that I would want to hang on to if aliens drained my brain. So now I ask...what is your favorite memory? Are you torn between two like I am? Or do you have one ultimate favorite? I would love to hear your answers. :)