Today's thought... wow it's been a while! Two + years since I've written anything. Whats on my mind tonight? Isn't that what Facebook asks? I've honestly got too much shit on my brain to even get into, but the forefront...some stupid internet crap going around designed to scare kids and parents out of normal day life.

Do you know what I'm talking about yet? Does the name Momo mean anything to you? Yeah. The Momo Challenge. Taken from a picture that was designed by a college kid in Asia for a class project that was NEVER intended for the purpose of which it was used. Breaking into Peppa the Pig and games that kids play. And people wonder why I don't let me nine year old on the internet? Here's a clue!

I saw it. I wanted to know if she knew anything about it. She said that she'd heard of Momo also being called or referred to as GM in games. Game Master. I want her to be aware. So I explain to her what I've read and I want her mainly to understand that even if someone was to come up to her and tell her that they would kill every one of us in our family if she told us about something...she needed to know she could tell us. That the threat was just to gain control and just a threat. Most times, nothing more.

So she understood, but it spooked her. More than I realized at the time. Until I got home. She's got a bear, he was originally mine, but I have since passed him down. His name is Tinki Bear. "Tinki Bear" and Bug have been writing back and forth, since Tinki can only come alive when she's asleep or gone, as is teddy bear code of conduct. So, she writes a letter to Tinki last night.

"Talk to your boss and tell him does he have information about momo. Also, how big do you get at night?" Now, understand, my daughter is nine. I refuse - REFUSE - to let my daughter grow up too fast. She's ALREADY way past where I was when I was nine, she is NOT naive. So yes, I ABSOLUTELY still encourage the magic of teddy bears and Christmas elves. And by God if writing a letter to Tinki is going to make her feel better...Tinki is going to make her feel better.



So Tinki did. When did we become a society that EVERYTHING is online? And people wonder why I wont give my nine year old a smart phone!? After all of this, she doesn't even want to play with her TABLET! Wake up, parents. Our kids are growing up too fast as it is, it's only going to get worse.

Today's thought...more controversy.

People, you need to wake up. There is a war happening right on our turf. Terroristic bombings and stabbings/shootings, are becoming common place now. What in the world is wrong with this picture!!?? Why is everyone okay with this? Why is everyone just accepting this as the new normal. THIS ISN'T NORMAL! THIS IS AMERICA!

And on that note, one thing that has really been bothering me lately, is the whole Kaepernick thing. He's kneeling for oppression. Um...seriously? Don't see you being oppressed over there with your nineteen million a year position on the football team. Oh lets just call him a hero. Because he's been oppressed by white people. You know...like his mom?! Stop the race war. Because we've got such a bigger war to fight than that petty bullshit.

You want to talk about oppressed? Why don't you talk to a Native American about being oppressed. Their entire populous was decimated by the same people who were trying to get away from people, who were trying to control them. My how the tables were turned. They were almost wiped off the map completely and their entire existence erased. And they fight. They fight still today for what they believe in. And they do it as loudly as possible, by standing strong and never bowing down, peacefully. Do you understand what the difference is? They're not dancing on or burning the American flag to prove a point. They're not running around killing all whites or all blacks, to prove a point. Wake up people. In case you were unaware, which most of you are, if it weren't for Native Americans in WWII, it would have turned out a WHOLE lot different. They were TRULY oppressed by America, AND THEY SAVED OUR ASSES!!!! Don't believe me? Google Wind Talkers. And no, I don't mean the Nicholas Cage movie either.

Did you know that there is a thing called the United States Flag Code? It's actually a US Federal Law, however the penalty for not following the code of conduct is not enforced at this time, simply due to the First Amendment right to Freedom of Speech. Here is the section that discusses the Code of Conduct for the National Anthem...

Conduct During Playing: During a rendition of the national anthem:

When the flag is displayed:[23]
individuals in uniform should give the military salute at the first note of the anthem and maintain that position until the last note;
members of the Armed Forces and veterans who are present but not in uniform may render the military salute in the manner provided for individuals in uniform; and
all other persons present should face the flag and stand at attention with their right hand over the heart, and men not in uniform, if applicable, should remove their headdress with their right hand and hold it at the left shoulder, the hand being over the heart; and

When the flag is not displayed, all present should face toward the music and act in the same manner they would if the flag were displayed.

By the way, that code of conduct thing, applies to anyone in office or any type of US government, be it local or national. Read the code again. ALL OTHER PERSONS PRESENT

If you're so oppressed by our flag that you feel the only way to show it is to shit on the men who fought and died for your right to be an asshat, then feel free to exercise your right to pack your things and get the hell out. There's a war going on, and if we're too busy fighting with ourselves, we're going to be as close to being wiped off the map as the people that were here long before an Italian "discovered" this great land, on a quest paid for by a Spaniard.

Todays thought...Main stream media.

Folks, I read something on Facebook. It's a meme, I have no idea who created it, nor am I trying to take credit for it. And according to the post it says something about an Elle Barts, nailing it. I have no clue who that is nor am I saying that is correct, I'm simply trying to make sure that no one thinks I am taking credit in any way. Here is the meme.

"You say, 'How could this tragedy happen?' It happened because Omar Matteen's hate, was born and bred in American, not overseas. Just 2 weeks ago you were calling Trans women, child predators. 1 year ago you were saying that our marriages shouldn't be recognized. 6 years ago you were saying that gay men and women couldn't die for their country. 10 years ago you told us we didn't deserve job protections. 13 years ago it took Lawrence vs. Texas to decriminalize our sex lives. 18 years ago you took Matthew Sheppard. 23 years ago you took Brandon Teena. 36 years ago the American Government began their 5 years of silence as 10,000 gay men were massacred by the AIDS virus. 43 years ago we were still considered mentally ill. And 47 years ago the riots of Stonewall began. For centuries, this country has bred homophobia into our history, into our schools and into the very fabric of our society. Omar Mateen was the product of American hate...America, you taught him this and even sold him the gun to do it."

Oh my gosh I don't even know where to start. First off, Miss Elle Barts, if you truly exist, you need to wake up and look the hell around yourself! You think you're the only one in this country dealing with shit like this? You want to know where that mans hate was born. IT WAS BORN IN HIS HOUSE!!! Let me tell you one damn thing right now, my mama raised me better and I will raise my daughter better than that bull shit right there!! She will know NOT to believe in the BS main stream media. She will know whats right and whats wrong, REGARDLESS of what the world says. That is MY legacy. That is MY responsibility AS A PARENT!!!

America didn't make him a bigoted asshole who thought that taking a gun in and shooting up a place was a good idea! Get that right, right damn now! That came from HOME! That started at HOME! Don't you for one second think that what he did was ANYTHING but hate taught from birth! Have you ever heard the phrase "A smart man knows to only believe half of what he sees and hears. A wise man knows what half to believe." You'd better start figuring it out, because you couldn't be further from the truth on that one. You think you're the only one who has a list of what's happened and what's been wrong for your situation? Guess what! I can do it for mine too! Bottom line, HATE STARTS IN THE HOME!!! And to blame America for it, shows just how much you need to find the first person from another country and follow their ass home, because we don't NEED that kind of person among our midst, we already have enough of them! The last one that showed their ass was taken out by SWAT.

Today's thought...Flint Michigan and it's water crisis.

Okay, this is going to come off as incredibly passionate. And I need you to understand now, that I am from Flint. Almost my entire family is in Flint (With the exception of a few). I'm no longer in Flint, however, they still are. It's scary. It's a scary situation. So, my mom sent me an article from Yahoo. Someone interviewed a group of people who live in Flint and it was a basic fight or flight question.

I was all about this article, until one person brought the one thing into it that really bothers me. This particular person said, and I quote: “I honestly feel like they don’t want us [the black community] here,” and goes on to say “First they took our schools, then they started taking our grocery stores, closed them down. Now it’s the water? I feel like they’re trying to kill us or they don’t want us in Flint any longer.” Really? Your schools? My daddy, was one of fourteen white kids in his school in Flint. That's right. One of fourteen. He was bullied, picked on, relentlessly. He was put into choke holds, he was left unconscious in stairwells, he was a minority. In the early nineteen seventies.

Please understand, and ask anyone and everyone that knows me, I am the LEAST racist person on this planet. I have black friends, I have Asian friends, hell I have a friend who grew up around Muslims her entire life! I will admit though, I am prejudice. I am prejudice against ignorance. I am prejudice against prejudism. Oh yeah. It is completely possible. Here's my reason. The people who ALWAYS bring race into something, are the ones that are racist. Think about it. Malcolm X. Al Sharpton. TD Jakes. All brilliant. All very powerful. All spouting nothing but hate. Spearheading campaigns of prejudice and hate. And because they're powerful, people follow them. And it's sad. It's sad that people all over this incredible country, blindly follow people that are so influential, simply because that's what the crowd is doing.

Don't for one second take me wrong on any of this. My great great grandfather on my mom's side is a black Spaniard, and my great great grandmother on my dad's side is Arcadian, from Canada. An undocumented slave. I could care less what the color of your skin is. One of the most (And I mean absolutely the MOST) influential people in my life, is an incredible woman of God, who happens to have a much darker skin tone than myself. And let me tell you, if you've ever read my blog, you know, I have NEVER seen the tone of her skin. She has NEVER seen mine. The moment we first met, the NANOSECOND our eyes met, do you know what we saw?

A sister in God. She looked at me and I felt like my entire soul was laid open for her to see, and there was nothing but Godly love there. No matter what I'd done before, the people I'd hurt, the sins I'd committed, there was pure and utter love. She's told me several times before, it was the same to her, when I looked at her she felt like her entire soul was laid out for me to see. But do you know what I saw? An angel in human form. I didn't see a single sin. I didn't see a single person she felt she'd hurt. I didn't see a single bad thing she did. I saw an angel. A woman that loved God so much, that when she smiled at me, it showed so strongly in her eyes, that I was instantly drawn to her.

I couldn't care less that her skin was dark and mine was olive. I couldn't care less that her hair was more textured than mine. I couldn't care less that we were raised differently, or that she was older than I was. I cared greatly that when I looked at her there was love. I cared greatly that there was instant love there, and she didn't know me from Adam. I cared greatly that when she smiled at me, it was genuine. I cared greatly that when she looked at me, she didn't see that my skin was olive, that my hair was less textured or that I was raised differently. I cared incredibly, that she saw me.

People, the racial division has got to stop! To believe in your heart that an entire city, is out to get you as a race, when your race makes up MORE THAN HALF of your home town, then you are living in a world that I don't want any part of. We have GOT to stop listening to those around us that prompt that racial division! Just like the whole Oscars fiasco going on now. Black actors are claiming that it's less than diverse. Okay. So tell me, and I'm not saying this to ruffle feathers but I want you to honestly look at it and tell me; who was the first white person, Asian, Mexican, Native American, Middle Eastern, to get an award at the BET Awards show? Or the NAACP awards? Why is it okay for a person to celebrate who they are, but when another person does, it's wrong? The double standard is incredibly prevalent and unfortunately, until someone stands up and says something and makes a difference, it's going to continue to be that way.

I hear a lot of times, WWJD. What would Jesus do? What would he do? What would Martin Luther King Jr. do? You don't think he's rolling over in his grave right now, knowing that everything that he fought for, which was equality, has been in vain because of all of those out there that took that to mean that equality meant everyone owed them something? When did equality become entitlement? When did life become a matter of getting out of it what you could, instead of contributing to this life everything that you had? When did we lose sight of what really mattered in life, and started to focus on what we could get out of everyone? What ever happened to hard work?

The article referenced is here: http://news.yahoo.com/taking-a-stand-in-flint--or-fleeing--residents-weigh-the-future-195822404.html?nf=1

Today's Thought...Saying Good-Bye

The roller coaster continued after my last entry. I had no idea at the time, that it hadn't even begun. My mother in law was approved for the trial chemotherapy, and the started administering the meds immediately after. For a few weeks, we watched, prayed, hoped. I would see her and she would tell me every time, "I want you to know, that no matter what happens, it's going to be alright."

It was beginning to be apparent that the chemo wasn't helping at all. She wasn't getting better. If anything, she was getting worse. They took her in for a few more tests, running more MRI's, doing more scans. The tumor had decreased in size by sixty-six percent. But she wasn't getting any better. No one could seem to understand why, her Oncologist included. They found a shadowy place in behind the tumor. It turned up in the MRI. They wanted to wait two weeks and see what came of it.

Two weeks later, they run another scan. This was a Friday. Monday they call my father-in-law in and tell him that the shadowy place, is another brain tumor. One that is growing just as rapidly as the other, but not Lymphoma. So the original chemo trial she was on, did what it was supposed to do and essentially decreased the tumor almost completely, however, different types of cancer, different needs for treatment. The Oncologist told dad that he wanted to put her on a different type of chemotherapy, not wanting to do straight out radiation, because she was already in rough shape and her body wouldn't be able to handle it.

Tuesday they gave her a dose of the chemo. Thursday night she slipped into a coma and Friday night she was gone. Not even four months, from diagnosis til we lost her. Barely a moment to process a single thing that was happening, much less deal with it. It's still overwhelming now, and we lost her on All Hallows Eve. There was just no time. Every time we hurdled another obstacle, the next one was threatening to slow us down.

It sucks. It sucks badly. My husband is feeling the loss. My daughter. Myself. We're dealing as best as we know how, but it gets hard sometimes. And extremely frustrating. But such is life. Anyway, this is why I've been so quiet lately. Just trying to deal with things, and as it goes, small things get pushed to the wayside. But, I'll try to do better. Until later...

Today's thought...Cancer.

Yeah, the C word rears it's ugly head again. Recently my mother in law was diagnosed with brain cancer. I type of Lymphoma that affects the entire Central Nervous System. It hasn't been easy. Since the initial diagnosis, it's been a roller coaster. It's ranged from "She may not survive the tumor biopsy." to "It's completely treatable, and possibly even curable."

It's been about four weeks since everything started and honestly, I'm exhausted. Daily, I take care of her, and my 5 year old, and hold down the fort, then come home and do it all again. All in the same day. It's hard. It's not easy. But when my husband was talking about possibly discussing an in home nurse, instantly, I didn't like the idea. I know how she is. I know how to talk to her. I know how to take care of her, and I wouldn't trade these moments for anything in the world.

It's hard. I've said that already, but it is. Helping her shower, helping her eat, helping her with her drops, when she has to go to the bathroom, when she wants to walk, when she's having issues, when she asks me the same question a thousand times over because of the tumor. And we haven't even reached the point as to whether or not she is approved for treatment or if she has to go with chemo/radiation.

But I wouldn't trade it for the world. The moments when I get to make her laugh, or she gives me a thumbs up, or says thanks for something I've done. The look in her face when I gave her chapstick, that looked as though I gave her a bar of pure gold. The smile when I rub lotion on her legs and feet, that feel dry because of everything going on. The I love you, when I walk out the door, declaring that I'll be back tomorrow, or the moments when she proudly boasts, I'm her daughter. Not daughter-in-law; daughter.

There is no telling what our future will hold, but I know that I'm going to be here, no matter what.

Today's thought...a different kind of post.

Dear Soulmate,

I don't know why you continue to put up with me. I'm not sure why you continuously listen to my constant drolling on about my problems, and never complain about what I say. You always know what to say. You always know when I need you, and never fail to call me or text me, asking me what's wrong.

No matter what's going on in your life, and no matter what you called for, the instant you hear my voice, you know. And everything in your world is put on the back-burner. I will never be able to repay you for this. You will never know what it means to me.

Thank you. Though it seems like such a cop out. Thank you. You will never know what these moments of love and support, will mean to me. You will never understand what it means to me, to know that in the wee hours of the morning, or the late hours of the night, you were always there.

You always put up with the "I'll call you back." or the "Not right now, it's cool." and even the "I'll talk to you later." and a soft click/beep, indicating that I was no longer on the line, for whatever reason. And you never questioned it. You KNOW, that you will be the first call when things happened. You know that no matter what was going on, I will call you. You know that when I tell you "I don't wanna talk about it." that I am going to blurt everything out, thirty seconds later.

You are the one I talk to about everything. You are the one I call when I'm down. You are the one who I call to from my heart, because I know you can hear me, when no one else does. YOU are the one who isn't afraid to tell me what it's like, and wont lie to me when I'm being petty, but still reassure me that it's alright that I am.

I could not live my life without you. The most important people in my life know about you, and hear about you constantly. My mom and husband included. They know you are the one I call when I'm down, when I'm having problems, when I'm at my worst, and when I'm at my best. They ask about you on a constant basis, because they know I talk to you daily. They know you, even if they don't know you.

You are so special to me. I will never be able to express or explain the way I feel for you. To those who don't know, it's strange. To those who understand, they nod. To those who look at this as if to say "Eh, whatever." they are scared to admit their own feelings.

I can only say I love you. I feel this such an insignificant explanation for how I feel, though I'm sure you'll tell me I'm nuts and you feel the same way. You will never know what you mean to me and how important you are to me in my life. I'm sure you'll tell me I'm crazy and that I'm just as important to you, but you're wrong.

You'll never know what you mean to me. And that in and of itself, makes you more special to me than I will ever be able to express, or you will ever know. I love you. Point plain and simple. I could not live my life without you and I don't go a single day without thinking of you, regardless of whether or not we actually talk. You are in every ounce of my decisions whether you know it or not. I consult you in every aspect of my life and I will NEVER do anything without talking to you.

You always know how to talk me down when I'm too far up, and aren't afraid to tell me when I'm a dumbass. There's no way to explain or express, what you will or do, mean to me. You'll never know how much faith I put in you. Or how much of my life or decisions, I put in what you say. And that's okay.

Because to me, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what you do or don't know of how I feel. It doesn't matter what you do or don't know of how I think. It matters that I know, in the end of all of it and no matter what happens, you are there. You love me. No matter how idiot you think I am, or how stupid you think I'm being, or how wrong you think I'm acting, you love me.

You love me. And I will never be able to explain how much I love you back.

You came into my life when I needed you most, and didn't even know it. You are in every aspect and facet of my being, even if you don't know it.