Todays thought...finding myself. And now this is going to be one of those all over the place blogs so I apologize in advance, as I work through things on my own.

So...I think I'm depressed. And I think I have been for a little while. I've just lost the heart for all the stuff I was doing. So I got to thinking about why. Now I don't want to go to my doctor because I just don't want pills shoved down my throat. Not saying that she would, and she probably wouldn't if I asked her not to, but I don't think it's chemical, I think it's mental. And no. I don't think I'm just a basket case.

But that being said, I was asked the other day by Frog, why I feel like I can't be myself around anyone. And I really thought about that. Frog was right. I'm not me around many people. And maybe it's because I feel like I can't be me around people. Let me explain what I mean. Frog and I have the same annoying traits, so when we're around each other, quite honestly, we don't annoy each other. And that's when it hit me. That's what it is. I am an irritating person.

I understand it, I accept it, and I get it. It's just me. I have always had my quirks and they aren't going away any time soon. I'm loud sometimes...well really most of the time...I don't have a filter, I'm a smart ass, I run my mouth and don't know when to stop. I like to laugh too much, I'm OCD with an anxiety disorder, and honestly, I realized, that outside of my bad sides, I don't know who I am.

Not me the mommy, me the wife, me the friend, me the daughter, me the niece, me the homemaker, and none of that I would change for anything in the world, but me. Just me. I don't know who I am any more. I know what makes me happy as a mom, as a wife, as a daughter...etc. But outside of that, I just don't know. And I think it comes down to feeling like I'm trapped inside myself. I don't know who I am, because I can't be comfortable enough in my own skin, to figure out who I am outside of every other facet of my being.

And it's strange, because it's nothing that people do straight out, but it's nuances I see in their expressions. A rolling of the eyes, a flicker of a "Really?" look in their rolled eyes, a slight shake of the head, or even someone blowing out because of something I've said. Too many times my jokes don't get laughed at, or something I say gets completely ignored. And I never say anything about it, but it hurts. So, I've taken to hiding away from myself to the point now, that I don't know who I am any more. I know who I am around my cousin, and I know who I am around everyone else. There's a huge difference. But, now that I've recognized it, how do I learn who I am, and how do I become myself, around everyone else?

So, here's to finding me. Wish me luck.

Today's thought...ordinary hero's.

It's thunder storming where I am. And I took a moment to go outside and just stand in the wind. (Thank you Jack Daniels for telling me to do that btw! And just to clarify, Jack Daniels is a persons nickname and not literal Jack. I don't drink hard liquor.)

Anyway, while I was out there, I closed my eyes and was actually taken back to a time, long ago, when I was 12 or 13 and times were simple. The only worries I had were what I was going to wear to school, and making sure I didn't disappoint my parents with a bad report card. Well it was summer that year, and I went to 4-H camp. Oh yeah! I was a total Ag Geek in middle school.

So anyway, one day while at camp, a big storm come up. And I mean, its summer time, storms aren't uncommon in this area. So we are all huddled in the stadium part of the camp, all huddled together. Now you have to understand, at this point of my life, I was scared to death of storms. I mean shake me out of my boots, giving myself a panic attack every time I saw a rain drop, scared of storms.

So we huddle in this corner, and I'm crying and freaking out and this woman, who is running the thing I guess, or at least my group anyway, sits there huddled with all of us and gets us through the storm safely.

Well later that night, after the storms had passed, I remember being in bed, and that woman (who the only thing I can remember is she had red hair), sat there beside me and told me she would hold my hand until I went to sleep, because I was scared seeing the lightening out the window, even though the storm had long since passed.

That woman (I can't even remember her name now), was my hero for the hour. She stayed there and kept me safe from the thunder storms. I would hug her, to this day, and say thanks, if I could remember who she was. Simpler times.

Simpler times.

Today's thought...a fun quiz about me.

Not sure why I'm inclined to do this, I am just going to put it out there and see what kind of response I get and how many people really know me. :) I'll list my answers at the bottom, so no cheating!

1. Outside of the obvious, being my immediate family, who are some of the most influential people in my life? See if you can get 3 of them. And by this I mean people I think about, talk to and get advice from on a pretty constant basis. All of my people are important to me, and this list will not be in any particular order and I may forget a couple people, so if I do, no hurt feelings! That's not what this is for. Also, since I never use actual names on here, there will be nicknames. You'll know who they/you are.

2. What is my favorite color?

3. I am an author. What type of books do I write?

4. My first intended series is about a police detective. Who in my life, is her character directly based off of?

5. What is special about my daughter's name?

6. My cousin Frog and I plan to eventually make a trip to a far away place for a special event. What is that event and where is it?

7. If I could move anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?

8. What are my favorite animals? I'll give you a hint, I love all animals, but there are 2 in particular, that I am fascinated with. Either one would grant a correct answer.

9. What is my favorite card game?

10. What is my favorite drink? I have one alcoholic and one non.

You get 10 points for each correct answer, and if you get all of the extra answers too, there's a possible of 115 points in total. So, lets see what you got. :)

Answers

1. September, Saturn, Leesburg, Sturgis, Michigan, Floor, Basement and Jack Daniels.

2. While it used to be purple for a long time, I've actually started leaning towards blue now for about the last year.

3. Murder Mystery as well as Suspense

4. September

5. Her middle name isn't English. 5 Extra points if you can tell me what language it is.

6. An anual rally race held in Targa New Foundland Canada.

7. Florida. That's where my mommy and daddy are.

8. Orcas and Manatees - 5 Extra points if you answered both.

9. Cribbage

10. Alcoholic: Merlot - Non-Alcoholic: Dr. Pepper - 5 Extra points if you answered both.

Tally them up and send me a text or comment on my Facebook. Tell me how ya did. Peace out homies!