Today's thought...delving into self.

I recently went down and saw my mom and dad. My rocks. Now every time we get together for a visit because we live some 700 miles away from each other, it's for at least a weak at a time, and there's always, ALWAYS one night, when my daddy and I get drunk and talk like we've never talked before. This time though, we got DEEP. Deeper than ever before. And my dad told me, I needed to forgive myself for things done years ago because he didn't want to have any more drunk convos that wound up with me in tears for shit that happened forever ago that he's already forgotten.

So we went to church while I was down there. And admittedly, it's been a while since I've been to church...shame on me, I know. But regardless, I went and the whole sermon was about everything my daddy and I had talked about, concerning letting go of my past. As I wrote a letter today to a talk show host, I realized that I haven't forgiven myself for stuff I've done to the people closest to me even though they've already forgiven me for it. I LOVE Dr. Phil. And I watch his show all the time. And all the time he talks about owning up to your faults.

But to what extent? And I don't mean that against Dr Phil either. Because there are people out there who don't take any responsibility for anything. And then there are people out there who get told by their dad's that they take too much responsibility for everything in the world and need to stop doing that. So then where do I go from there? And yes, that gets addressed too in my daytime show. It's just sometimes harder to take that aspect and run with it. Most people don't understand the gravity of the brain of one who blames themselves for everything.

It's not something that can be explained, and simply is, for those of us that take everything to heart. People that don't understand, never will. And honestly, being on this side of it, I hope no one does understand. Even if I do feel like I'm the only one that feels like this, while knowing that there are others, regardless of whether or not I know them. You cannot make someone understand what it is to feel guilty for everything and anything known wrong in the free world. Believe me, I've been called an idiot, and stupid for thinking things were my fault. I've been told I'm too dramatic and that I'm never going to get over things if I don't quit taking things so personally. And believe me, I take every word to heart.

Maybe that's what's wrong with me. I feel to strongly first off, and then I was with someone who exploited that to the fact that sometimes it's quite frankly, hard to function. The point where my husband can't say something out of frustration, that will have absolutely NOTHING to do with me, without me thinking it's directly related to something I have or have not done. And I can't even imagine, living my life without guilt or sorrow and regret.

I can't imagine being free of my own demons. Heh. I sit here now, and can't imagine being free of my own devices. Sadly, can't imagine my husband, bless his heart, who does everything and anything possible that he can, to help me, being free of my demons. And then I think about my little girl, and how much I want her to be so much better than I will ever be.

I pretend to be alright and I paste on a smile that the whole world sees, except for those who know me. And I wonder when I'll get down to the root of me, and show the world who I am inside. Despite what I am on the inside, and despite what I've been through, I still like to make people happy. I still like to make people laugh. I still get all geek with the people that are really close to me, which admittedly I can count on one hand. I'm still me underneath all the crap. If I could strip through the crap so that the real me could shine through...that is the mission I guess.

So as I raise my glass, I toast, to missions, and to the real me. Even if I rarely even see it myself. I am still there. Banging on the doors of my past to get out of this trap that I've managed to put myself in. Here's to self. And finding ways to be the person that I really am.

And heres what it boils down to. There is nothing about me that makes sense. There are things that have happened to me, that have shaped who I am today. I may not like some of those things, but I have to live with them, because try as I may, I cannot change who I am. I cannot change how I feel about things. I cannot explain how I feel, nor can I expect anyone who has never been through what I have, to understand how I feel. There are times that it boils down to me. You either take me or you dont. You love me or you hate me. I am me and I'm working through who I am. Those that choose to stay with me, see the me inside, struggling to break through. Those who don't...it was nice to know you and I'm sorry I was too much. But you were awesome.