Todays thought...finding myself. And now this is going to be one of those all over the place blogs so I apologize in advance, as I work through things on my own.

So...I think I'm depressed. And I think I have been for a little while. I've just lost the heart for all the stuff I was doing. So I got to thinking about why. Now I don't want to go to my doctor because I just don't want pills shoved down my throat. Not saying that she would, and she probably wouldn't if I asked her not to, but I don't think it's chemical, I think it's mental. And no. I don't think I'm just a basket case.

But that being said, I was asked the other day by Frog, why I feel like I can't be myself around anyone. And I really thought about that. Frog was right. I'm not me around many people. And maybe it's because I feel like I can't be me around people. Let me explain what I mean. Frog and I have the same annoying traits, so when we're around each other, quite honestly, we don't annoy each other. And that's when it hit me. That's what it is. I am an irritating person.

I understand it, I accept it, and I get it. It's just me. I have always had my quirks and they aren't going away any time soon. I'm loud sometimes...well really most of the time...I don't have a filter, I'm a smart ass, I run my mouth and don't know when to stop. I like to laugh too much, I'm OCD with an anxiety disorder, and honestly, I realized, that outside of my bad sides, I don't know who I am.

Not me the mommy, me the wife, me the friend, me the daughter, me the niece, me the homemaker, and none of that I would change for anything in the world, but me. Just me. I don't know who I am any more. I know what makes me happy as a mom, as a wife, as a daughter...etc. But outside of that, I just don't know. And I think it comes down to feeling like I'm trapped inside myself. I don't know who I am, because I can't be comfortable enough in my own skin, to figure out who I am outside of every other facet of my being.

And it's strange, because it's nothing that people do straight out, but it's nuances I see in their expressions. A rolling of the eyes, a flicker of a "Really?" look in their rolled eyes, a slight shake of the head, or even someone blowing out because of something I've said. Too many times my jokes don't get laughed at, or something I say gets completely ignored. And I never say anything about it, but it hurts. So, I've taken to hiding away from myself to the point now, that I don't know who I am any more. I know who I am around my cousin, and I know who I am around everyone else. There's a huge difference. But, now that I've recognized it, how do I learn who I am, and how do I become myself, around everyone else?

So, here's to finding me. Wish me luck.